I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
