I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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