i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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