Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
