i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
