u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
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