So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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