he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
