she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
