I think my fart just growled at me.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
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I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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