the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
