my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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