dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
