Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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