did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
