Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
