I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
two words: eviction party
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
