I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
