I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
