I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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