I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
