You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
