Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
