Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
