the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
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I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
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i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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