The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
