Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
