It's just like the Real World with babies
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
