Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I checked into jail on foursquare
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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