So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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