i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
