My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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