Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
