My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
