Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My bed smells like the plague
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
