Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
