Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You need Xanax blowdarts
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
