I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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