i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
