i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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