Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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