I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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