Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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