i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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