Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
