3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
