Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
