Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
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I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
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I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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