my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
