You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
