Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
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So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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