you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
