I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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