I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
