she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
