Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
