All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
