the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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