so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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