You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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