You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
