I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
